Don’t Mistake My Silence for Acceptance

A few weeks ago, I stopped posting to my instagram regularly… mainly because I was tired and didn’t have much to say. (This enneagram 3 very clearly moves toward a 9 in stress – ha! Hello COVID-19.) 

Then the Ahmaud Abrey murder happened. Then George Floyd. And so many others before and since. 

I felt pressure to say something on my IG or here on my blog. 

But I didn’t have words. I did have all the feelings. I still do. I’ve cried a lot over the past few weeks — hell, over the past few months.  

But I felt the pressure to SAY SOMETHING. Say something eloquent and profound. Say something encouraging or, at the very least, let everyone know I’m angry and hurt and confused too. 

But nothing came.

Because let’s be real — I can’t and won’t ever fully understand the pain and fear that our black friends and neighbors feel and have felt not just recently, but their entire lives. 

I’ve definitely been woken up to my ignorance. And for that I’m grateful and repentant.

Regardless, I hope that nobody would ever mistake my silence for acceptance.

I hope nobody mistakes the silence from anyone if acceptance is not the case.

Because sometimes we need to first be still and wait on the Lord. 

For the right timing, the right words, the right open-mindedness and soft heart.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

James 1:19-22 (emphasis mine)

I still don’t know of anything profound, earth-shattering, or unique to add to the conversations our country is having… 

But what I do know is this… This is not okay. None of it. 

The racism, the looting, the politics, the lack of justice, the violence, even this weirdly insane pandemic, and the fear …  

God tells us over and over in Scripture, “Do not fear.” (Reference point: the entire Bible) 

So I keep looking for small glimpses of God in the middle of this mess. Because He’s here and He’s up to something. He’s still on the throne and the Kingdom is not threatened. This I know, but — quite honestly — I don’t see very well or even feel.

So I remember faith isn’t feeling, it’s an action.  

So my actions right now are to start with looking and listening.

Looking for truth and listening to testimonies — both silent actions, for now.

I look for — as Mr. Rogers said to do — the helpers. I look for His grace, His promises, and His people showing up on this side of Heaven. I look for the people that in the middle of this are standing for justice and peace, love and mercy. 

I’m also looking for enlightenment on my part, looking for honest and open conversations with my black friends, and looking for wisdom from wise teachers on this subject.  

I don’t know yet what “next steps” or actions might look like for me (besides having conversations with my kids), but there will be something.

Confession: Last Sunday night was a bad night for me. There were reports of Antifa making plans to target a shopping area roughly a mile or so from my home and the surrounding neighborhoods, torching the homes and businesses where I live alongside so many I love. 

I got scared. I cried. And I slept roughly 0.0000% of the minutes between bedtime and 4:45am (when my husband woke up to start his work day and I could “hand-off” the night watch to him). Thank God, the evening was pretty quiet. 

It dawned on me this one of the first times I was scared because of my skin color, because of where I lived … the “white hood” was a target.

Gosh … ignorance was bliss for so long. SMH.

I looked down to my arm on Monday morning and saw both my May and June 2020 Dwell Differently memory verse tattoos. 

Isaiah 1:17 and Psalm 91:1.

Not sure if there are verses better for such a time as this. 

So this is all I have for you today.

The only thing I know that we can all do right now as we read this post together. 

Go to God’s Word. 

We are learning to do right, seeking justice, and defending the oppressed… (Isaiah 1:17) And we are praying Psalm 91 together over our lives, our loved ones, our communities, and our country.

Would you pray these verses with me?

Lord, help me to live an Isaiah 1:17 life…. 
Learn to do right; seek justice.
    Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow.

 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked. If you say,
“The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.” 

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